Indulge me for a moment here.
This is what I think I look like.
You know, baseline. Ordinary me on an ordinary day.
Though clearly no sylph and certainly past my first blush of youth, most of the time, in spite of evidence you may have collected and/or manufactured to the contrary, I firmly believe that I resemble neither Sir Isaac Newton nor a manatee.
Sometimes I even look almost pleasant.
Almost.
All of the foregoing pictures were taken by me with a cheap and sickly digital camera in the unflattering, yellow light of my bathroom, of the exact image reflected in its old, badly damaged mirror, wearing no makeup and possibly no bra, and certainly not my best color (orange, though khaki is good and I do love that T-shirt). They are shown in the exact order I took them, with no deletions, and no retouching except unsharp masking after I cropped and shrank them for this format. It took zero effort on my part to get these results, zero.
And yet, if your photos of me ever looked anywhere near this good, in spite of the fact that I do not want to enable what I perceive as your choice to compulsively record life as a substitute for living it, I might not reflexively run from you or duck under tables at weddings absolutely every time you flashed your camera at me. And since it took me absolutely no effort whatsoever to make myself look as "good" as I do in these not especially flattering pictures, I dare to postulate that you also should easily be able to do nearly as well.
Now, by contrast, I actually had to go to some effort to make myself look the way I look in the next photo. I had to actively contort myself, uncomfortably so. Yet this is how almost all of your pictures make me look, almost all of the time.
Why is that?
Where's the love?
Oh, you made me laugh so hard. I usually have the triple chin PLUS spinach in the teeth.
Posted by: Bipolarlawyercook | November 08, 2007 at 06:51 PM
Seriously. I have given up on the random photogs of my life who refuse to do anything for picture quality beyond shouting your name and snapping you when you look their way. I could not look more pathetic than in those "candids." Bah.
And I also like that t-shirt.
Posted by: Kay | November 08, 2007 at 07:08 PM
The *same thing* happens to me! Except that I also look six to eight months pregnant in all photos, as well.
Posted by: xine | November 08, 2007 at 07:31 PM
I try not to take it personally, but they do it to me too. What is up with that?
Posted by: alphabitch | November 08, 2007 at 08:13 PM
I love this. Have you also realized the photos you think are bad today are the ones you will look at in ten years and think "Only three chins! And look how young I am! I glow!"
Posted by: TheQueen | November 08, 2007 at 08:22 PM
BLC -- And what's up with that? How hard is it to tell someone she has spinach in her teeth before snapping a picture?
And Kay -- You're so pretty! You have magnificent cheekbones! How hard is it, really, to take a picture of you that doesn't make you look pathetic? I'm guessing not that hard. Maybe you should start taking defense snaps. Most people do not photograph well from wheelchair (belt-to-chest) level.
Xine -- I know you in person, in real time, and I am here to testify that I have only seen you looking pregnant while you were actually pregnant. And you know me, and hopefully can back me up on the assertion that I do not resemble Sir Isaac Newton or even a manatee -- not that much anyway.
Alphabitch, I actually try not to take it very seriously, also, but I do get tired of people sending me photos like the last one with little notes saying things like, "See? Candid shots are the best!"
Your Majesty -- Wait, you only see three chins in that last picture? WOO-HOO! ;)
Posted by: Sara | November 08, 2007 at 09:02 PM
I firmly believe photos should be as flattering as possible as people always look better animated. But yes, of course, I get just the same. Last time I saw a photo of me I said to AJ, "Do you like this picture?"
He said, "It's all right. But you're doing your chubby-cheeked expression."
"You mean, I'm smiling?"
Posted by: The Goldfish | November 09, 2007 at 06:50 AM
Ha ha ha -- nice.
My true love says I look like a wrestler in the first couple of photos here. Heh. Like that's a bad thing.
Posted by: Sara | November 09, 2007 at 07:35 AM
"My true love says I look like a wrestler in the first couple of photos here. Heh. Like that's a bad thing."
I think he likes you. And he's right; you are quite formidably lovely.
And TheQueen: Yeah, there is that. I have lots of photos that I once regarded as definitive proof of my hideous ugliness that I look at now and think: "hey, I was really quite pretty and svelte, back in the day." Youth really is wasted on the young. Bah!
Posted by: alphabitch | November 09, 2007 at 08:50 AM
Laughing here too, from recognition and agreement. And you did great taking those bathroom-mirror photos--it's not easy to do that! (My profile photo is a bathroom-mirror self-portrait, which is why it's blurry and yellow.) Problem around here is that I get my picture taken by a seven-year-old a lot, and her point-of-view is all chins and nostrils. Adult shutterbugs don't have that excuse, though!
Posted by: Penny | November 09, 2007 at 09:43 AM
Alphabitch, he does like me; he really does. But you know what? The last photo he took of me left me wanting to burn my favorite shirt. See Xine's complaint re mystical pregnancy above.
Penny, yes, there are totally different expectations where seven-year-olds are concerned. Heck, when you're seven, nostril shots are awesome! They are the artist's vision!
Posted by: Sara | November 09, 2007 at 11:06 AM
all i can say is: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (but I had to at least say that, cuz you totally cracked me up)
Now please excuse me. I must go take 47 photos of myself wearing my new handknit sweater so that I can get one where I look good. Because who really cares about the sweater LOL.
Posted by: TheAmpuT | November 09, 2007 at 12:34 PM
Nice t-shirt, also keep mentioning that you are taking pics without your bra, I know that just jumped your google search up a few notches. I don't know why the camera makes one's head look odd at times and angles and I blame El nino and the gravitational shift of the north pole - as I blame it for all ills.
Posted by: Elizabeth | November 09, 2007 at 01:31 PM
AmpuT, I look forward to seeing that sweater! :)
Elizabeth, I hadn't even thought of the bra thing. Yikes. Won't the folks who come here on that search be, uh, surprised? ;)
Posted by: Sara | November 09, 2007 at 09:28 PM
You are just lovely Sara. No matter what the photos look like! (and speaking about the photos we took together not too long ago, John did catch us laughing and with some double-chinnage. But the memories of those laughs are so priceless!...) If you want us to take down any of the pics, just let us know, ok?
FWIW, John knows he has to get a thumbs up from me before posting any pics on the 'net. I am incredibly sensitive about the way my neck and chin look in pics. Oh and my belly, too. And I hate that I care, but I do.
Posted by: Jana | November 09, 2007 at 11:24 PM
Oh, Jana, the problem with both those photos is that I consented to allow myself to be photographed next to someone so much more beautiful than myself. :)
Leave 'em, please. The sad thing is that I can't remember exactly what we were laughing at so hard now.
Posted by: Sara | November 10, 2007 at 07:01 AM
Oh yes! I know this feeling so well! Give me chins, lots of them - and squinty eyes, and puckered little lips. :)
Posted by: PG | November 10, 2007 at 07:24 AM
And you know, it's not like I expect to look like a movie star every time someone shoots me (clearly), or ever, honestly. I'm 44 and not exactly starving (thank goodness), so yes, I have many chins and other storage units on reserve. I am just so bewildered that even with very expensive equipment, images created by people who purport to love me so very consistently fail to come up even to completely effortless, bathroom mirror/driver's license/mug shot standards. And I think it's a riot that this is such a universal experience!
Posted by: Sara | November 10, 2007 at 07:35 AM
Heh heh. Great photos, Sara. I used to take good photos (I mean, I used to be reasonably photogenic) and everything I see of me in the past year has just been scary. Geezus, I'm getting old. Sigh.
Posted by: leslee | November 20, 2007 at 09:55 PM
Well, Leslee, you look absolutely beautiful in every picture I've ever seen of you. (Readers can make up their own minds by visiting Leslee's blog, especially this post, which has one of my very favorite photos she's ever posted of herself...and a friend.)
Posted by: Sara | November 21, 2007 at 11:03 AM
Yes, but notice that my *face* isn't in the photo. I have another shot where my face *is* in the photo, purportedly smiling, and it looks like I haven't slept in weeks. Scary.
Posted by: leslee | November 21, 2007 at 02:37 PM
But of course I can see your face. It's one of the reasons I love this picture so much, because of the expression on your face, almost like Ingrid has just told you a joke or said something totally wacky.
hee
It's been a tiring year, and our loved ones do not always know how to catch us in the best light. And then I was going to say something unforgivably corny, like how the best light is "delight," but I stopped myself in time.
Oh, rats. I guess I didn't. Dang lack of an internal monologue! ;)
Posted by: Sara | November 21, 2007 at 03:07 PM
As a co-worker of mine says, "Inside voice on the *inside*!"
Posted by: leslee | November 23, 2007 at 08:55 PM