Deconstructing Sara

Nine days ago on Saturday evening around 7 P.M. the artist formerly known as Sara reached a point where she was no longer able to stay with us.  She passed away at Emerson Hospital while in the care of nurses Gina and  Margaret and her True Love for the past sixteen years, Erik.  The sky did not crack open, the earth did not moan, and the oceans did not revolt at the injustice of her early passing, and for this indifference I will hold them in contempt for a very long time.

In addition to everything else that you feel during grief, I find myself also in fear, not for my own mortality, but for being responsible for taking her studio and dressing room apart, for attempting to catalog all that there is of hers left with meaning, and for fear of missing something that her friends, family or myself will someday in the future look back to and wish had been kept.  To look at her studio now is to see so many art projects still undone.  From her wool and crochet hooks, to her collection of colored pencils, beads and tools as well as her artificial right leg and the drawers of art paper, everywhere you look there are signs of her constant drive to create.  Even the room itself has became a work in progress since she moved in.  Sara would not let me take more pictures of her, so perhaps as a result the final places where she put her keyboard, her magnifying glass, and plastic butterfly have become far more precious to me than she meant them to be.  I know Sara would think I was being foolish, she was no Freda Calo  that one.  She did not live for drama and artificially complicated emotions but instead for the simplicity of feelings projected out through sincerity and an unbiased affection for her fellow humans.  She lived for the beauty of nature, and to share with everyone the joy of expressing inner truth.  In her art she took delicate human emotion and put it out there for the world.  To Sara, art was an act of love and courage.   A love for life and beauty which was too big not to be shared, and the courage to put herself out there with no fear of those with base motives.  She was never afraid of people like this, but instead felt only pity.  Pity in part for their own inability to be themselves, and pity for the energy wasted in blind conformance.

So, I share this all with you to explain that TAFNAS (The Artist Formerly Known As Sara) will no longer be posting here, or anywhere else, why I will be posting in her place for at least a little while, and why future postings will be so infrequent, erratic and melancholy.    This is the best I can do.

Be well.

Erik

( The original post said "Maria Calas" instead of "Freda Calo".  My apologies for getting the two mixed up! )

Comments

[Jeanne]

Erik--I don't know what to say.

Sara was one of a kind, and there is a big hole in the ozone where she used to stand.

No one could be more wickedly funny about all the nasty things life throws at us than Sara. I'm sitting here in Seattle remembering some of the things she taught me--about cancer, about life, about art. And about being human.

And I'm laughing. And crying.

Jeanne

[Casey]

Erik, I am so sorry. I knew Sara as a blogger and sometime commenter on my blog--I will miss her insight, wit and creativity. I'd hoped to be reading her posts for many years to come.

Take care of yourself. Be well.

[John]

Erik,

Thank you for letting us know.
I will miss her bloggings.
Her postings were read by many across the world.
You have my sympathies, look after yourself and i hope the cat is Ok.

Regards, John

[Jess]

I had only started reading Sara's blog, and she was so inspirational. I was shocked to hear she had passed. I'm very sorry Erik.

[The Goldfish]

I'm so glad to see you're keeping this blog intact. If you haven't seen them yet and if indeed you want to, Penny has a post linking to the various blogs about Sara's passing.

[Jen]

I am so sorry for your loss. I learned a lot from reading Sara's blog, and will miss her a great deal. She was a wonderful person.

[Amorette]

It's sad and wrong and unfair that she's gone and I don't know what to say. When you're mired in grief it all sounds like one big platitude anyway.

I miss her and I feel for you and I'll do my best to honor Sara in any way I can. Do whatever you need to do to get through this, don't worry about us.

[another jeanne in seattle]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Erik.

Sara was, I believe, one of the finest people I ever knew without actually meeting. Words like generosity, courage and grace get thrown around way too easily and ascribed to people who don't merit them; they describe Sara perfectly.

The highest tribute I can give someone is to say, "This person is so wonderful, I'd love to have X over for pasta and a lot of wine." Sara is at the top of my ideal-dinner-party list.

[Dianne]

I found Sara while googling "learn to walk again" from a hospital bed in rehab. For two years she has been my secret friend across the interwebs with advise, humor and care. I will miss her.

"Hugs" to you and the cat; take care.

[laurie]

Erik - Thank you. The world has lost a very bright light. You have lost a great deal more. Thank you for your generosity in this time of great loss. The Artist Formerly Known As Sara lives on through her art and those (so many of us) who she inspired.

[Momo Fali]

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

[Aoife]

So sorry for your loss, Eric. Look after yourself.

[Dee]

Erik,
I'm very sorry to hear about the death of The Artist Formerly Known as Sara. I appreciate you posting about it, even while you're grieving. I heard about it through Laurie at Not Just About Cancer and have been checking this blog periodically since then.

I appreciated Sara's humor and her take about living with disability and cancer - which is to continue living life as happily and with as much integrity as possible. She touched me and I learned from her.

I thought of her this past week-end, too, as I trimmed the old blooms off the lilac bush in my yard. I know that last year she was really looking forward to seeing the lilacs bloom at a festival up in your neck of the woods. I posted photos of my blooming lilac and she commented in appreciation. I'll think of her every time I see that lilac, I'm sure.

Take care.

Dee

[Leslee]

I'm so sorry, Erik. Sara was an amazing person, a joy and inspiration to so many. Thanks for posting this here at this difficult time for you - it's a wonderful tribute to her.

[dale]

Oh. Dammit.

She was so wonderful. I'll miss her. I'm sorry, Erik.

[Scriptor Senex]

Thank you for the e-mail. I know you don't want mushy sentiments so I'll simply add my name to the list of those who will miss her and who wish you well.
Kind regards,
John Edwards
Merseyside

[Helen]

Regretably, I found this blog too late. I have spent the past hour reading the posts of someone who's fervor I aspire to reach, and as far as humor, I level which I can definately relate. No mushy sentiment here. Just appreciation. TAFNAS will be missed.
All the best to you Erik. I look forward to your posts.

All the best to you Erik

[sugaredharpy]

Erik,

I'm so very sorry for this loss to you. Sarah will be incredibly missed to those of us who had the pleasure and luck to know her, if only through blogging, email, and the occasional phone call. She was a beautiful person and an inspiration. I wish you the very best.

[Ron Sullivan]

Took me this long to work up the guts (lungs actually) to look.

Thank you, Erik. The rest, well, you know.

[patry francis]

Thanks for this, Erik.

[aura]

Erik,
I have pics with you and Sara at De Cordova playing with baby Meital. Let me know if you would like them.
Aura

[Sara]

Hi Aura,

I want them, but not yet. Has your IT guy (Avi) put them onto CD?

I have a ton of stuff to do to preserve some of Sara's art. Some very geeky, some just old fashioned sorting, filing, right now I don't need more stuff in this house!

Erik

[kathy a.]

Erik, the world is richer for Sara having been here, and poorer for losing her. I wish I'd known her better. Can't imagine how this is for you, but sending good thoughts.

[miz_geek]

Erik, my sympathy on your loss. It's hard to lose someone you care abut. Sara was an interesting person and I'll miss reading of her adventures.

[Chris Bell]

Very sad indeed. My condolences to you.